Discovering honesty

It’s been awhile since i’ve written a post here. The last time i was here, i was going through a lot of pain. So much so i couldn’t even articulate how i felt without sounding like a broken record. A year has passed and i think i’ve grown since. A lot has happened. Most of it good. I think i found a lot of myself, especially lately.

This year’s discovery is about being honest to myself more. With what i want, need and like. And to let go of things and people who are toxic and destructive in a calm and peaceful way. I’ve learn to not take things personally and to tell myself more that when people are cruel to you when you did absolutely nothing wrong, its not you.It’s them.

One of the other biggest hurdle that i manage to tackle was to tell a man that i like how i truly felt about him..about us and me..Unlike my previous attachment, i’m usually guarded at the beginning of a new form relationship. This time i decided i want to do without the games and bullshit and just be completely honest and open and let all the card fall as it may. It was scary and i stand to lose the guy but i thought to myself, better him than me. I had no expectation or hope. I sent the text ( yes i did it via text 😛 yes i should have done it face to face..let’s tackle one fear at a time lols ) and slept.

I woke up the next day to a long message from him and that he wanted to try and he felt the same way i felt. I was elated but the joy was short lived. A week after our “confession” he just went MIA. The old me would’ve message, call and seek for explanation but the new me couldn’t be bothered. If he wanted to be with me, he would make the effort to make it work. If he had some issue on the side he could have said something to manage my expectations but alas he didn’t.

The take out from the whole experience, even though the guy turned out to be a douche in the end…people promise things because they just get caught up in the moment. Possibly at the time they meant it because u caught them off-guard so they go on panic mode and they don’t want to lose you just yet and not on your terms. Everyone has the best intentions. Not everyone goes in with a conscious thought of wanting to hurt the other person. Unless they’re just insane. Everybody just trying to do the best they can. As was i..All you can do is just do the best you can and treat the other person with the best respect, care and love that you can…

Little red indian

I’ve always wanted to be a red indian girl.

Professing

The art of declaring one’s affection or love to another human being is something i’ve always been interested to know. I guess because i’m a silly romantic. I just love hearing stories from friends and strangers on how they’d declare their love for their significant other.

Like my parents, they met at the library. My dad frequently went there to get my mom’s attention. He’d always find ways to sit close to her. He’d say silly things to get a reaction out of her but my mom didn’t take the bait. He tried so many times to win her and on the day he decided it would be his last try, my mom cocked her head to the side and smile and said “hey, you have fangs..i like guys with fangs” It’s cheesy i know but i’ve always kept that story close to heart . Just found it adorable that my mom had my dad at his fangs.

But yah, the art of professing one’s feelings is a true art form. Through out my dating “career” ( i say career because its a full time job on it own) I’ve done silly things to profess my affections to my significant other. I’ve written songs. I wrote text messages while they were sleeping next to me to tell them how i felt. I sneaked in a note in his bag and so much more. To some, all these acts are deemed childish..high school even..but most silly romantics i know..such acts are looked upon as sweet and adorable.

It’s not everyday one would get such declaration and admiration from a significant other. Professing one’s feelings is a momentous act for each person. It takes a lot out of them to be able to do such things. Its something to admire instead of it be made a mockery. Its an action to tell the other how he or she is special in their eyes. In our eyes. Its something that you shouldn’t fear because its the purest sense of honesty. A form of flattery. Regardless of how it’s been done, when you’re in love you just do silly things.

Hardest Part

 

 

 

Come Monday, It’ll be a month since i left KL. I’ve gone to all the interviews that   was pencilled into my schedule. What i’ve set out to do, is not done. I can’t secure an employer willing to sponsor my work visa. Day in day out i tell myself to be positive to believe that it will happen for me but its just been hard to keep up a smile when your heart is breaking. Especially today. When everything around me is grey and wet.

It’s very frustrating when your obstacle is an effin piece of paper. Yes they like my work. They like the way i think. They like that i have multiple skills but its just not enough. They tell me there are ways to go about this, which i appreciate but the ways aren’t instant, not right now. For some i might sound absolutely ungrateful. Some people would kill to have the same opportunity as me. To be here and to take the experience in. I guess i broke my little rule of hoping. I hoped that when i got here, i’d be lucky.

But its as they say, it never always goes the way you planned. So now, its time to regroup and rethink the strategy. What sort of solution i can come up for my dilemma? I have a month to make an impression on this agency. Proof my worth and that i exist. I am no little typical little asian. I refuse to be average. I’ve gone through PLAN A,B & C i have 23 other letters to go through…now to buck down for the last 4 weeks.

Ideas

There are times, i’d want the day to just past real fast and i’d just be at the airport waiting for my flight to take me home. There are days, i’d be walking out in the city or be sitting at the park and i’d fall in love all over again. I feel completely revived and filled with ideas. Driven to make an impact. Then i get back to my apartment, i lose my spark. I wish at this moment i could just be and i’d have a lot more time to straighten this out.

Selling oneself and trying to find a solution to your dilemma can be a momentous task. All i need right now, is to be consistently inspired. To figure out, what about me that would want them to hire me? What makes me stand out? Got to think big now.

1.

Walked by the street , wind in my hair and thought of you. Would have been nice if you were to share this quiet walk with me

hope..the 4 letter word

Time is running out. Every day seem to past much faster. It’s been a bag filled with emotions for me. It’s funny how early in the year, i wished for this but now i wish i could just slow it down. It’s a catch 22. I hate my life at home but i want to be here in KL so i can be close to him. I can’t have one over the other if i want to be absolutely 100% happy. Staying in KL means living with mom and i can’t do that anymore.

To be absolutely free of mom, is to first get out of this country. Prove to her i can make it happen. I can stand on my own two feet. And hope by me being away, she’d learn to miss and appreciate me more. But then again with hope come expectations and that’s when it all goes to shit. I hate the word hope as much as i love it. It’s just been hard to hope for anything when you’re constantly being disappointed.

Its nice some time to have hope for a love that last or to achieve ultimate happiness or to have the love, respect and affection of a mother. It would have been such a completion. It’s not so much of worldly goods that does it for me. It has to be more than momentary happiness.

i swim the other way

Conventional by any other name would be..Normal…General..Masses..Traditional..All which i am not..For as long as i can remember, i’ve always been a salmon. Swimming upstream rather than the other. Ok bad analogy but you get my point right.So i decided to make a list, i don’t know why but yah a list of me being unconventional. Yes i do have some time on my hand…that and i’m really avoiding work..so yah..away we go with the list.

1. I eat my nutella like a lollypop. I put in a big spoon..swirl it around to shape it to a ball and lick it off hours on end..i know ..sick..:)

2. i don’t dress my age..shut up don’t ask how old i am..LOL

3. When every girls/women spend hours window shopping/ shopping..i spend less than 15 minutes in a shop..longest was 30 and that was coz the girl couldn’t find my size.. IDIOT!

4. Every girl goes goo goo gaa gaa over high heels..i flip over sneakers and ballet slippers..

5. i love old library books…the smell of it..the age..i like old things..has a soul..

6. During Eid, when all my female cousins wore the traditional lady dresses..i wore the men’s instead..i find them much cooler..Gave my granny a heart attack..Never do that again 😛

7.  i hate roses..i hate valentine..

8. I have more compassion for animals than human..

9. I like to sing and perform but only for myself..for now..

10. I’m learning on a day to day basis to expect less from everyone around me..

11. I mostly like to float in the pool than swim…and i do this mostly at night..when it’s quiet.

12. When everyone wanted to be a blonde..i wanted to be a redhead…the fiery ..the better..almost had it once..good times..

13. i don’t know how to be a girl..i know how to be me…just me..

Untitled

It’s funny how things just fall into place when you least expect it. When you try to control everything in your life to find in the end it’s never just about you. For the past 6 months, I willed myself to listen. To people around me..to my pet…my friends..my family..To be more alert with everything in between.To see the finer lines of things and words. I was too caught up in the details that i forgot, it never always go the way you plan.

When i was busily trying to make everyone happy, planning my escape..to start a fresh elsewhere..a little form of happiness found me..it didn’t force itself onto me but it was strong enough for me to wake up and realize its not something i can brush aside. I struggled with it for the longest time. Thinking of what to do..what to say..Should it be the girl to say it…is it conventional..what is conventional..i had too many questions going on in my head..that i decided it was too much for me to take..so i decided to bottle it up and focus on leaving.

Until one night, when Sigur Ros was played and i knew there’s no stopping the next step. What ever doubts and fear i had i threw it away and cast it to the wind and told him i like him. At that point, I didn’t care if he felt different or the same. The most important thing for me then, was i told myself to take a chance. And say the most purest and basic thing to someone i’d care without expecting a return of affection. Even though what happened wasn’t a grand event. The important thing i discovered that night was the will to be true and the rest will take its course.