It’s been awhile since i’ve written a post here. The last time i was here, i was going through a lot of pain. So much so i couldn’t even articulate how i felt without sounding like a broken record. A year has passed and i think i’ve grown since. A lot has happened. Most of it good. I think i found a lot of myself, especially lately.
This year’s discovery is about being honest to myself more. With what i want, need and like. And to let go of things and people who are toxic and destructive in a calm and peaceful way. I’ve learn to not take things personally and to tell myself more that when people are cruel to you when you did absolutely nothing wrong, its not you.It’s them.
One of the other biggest hurdle that i manage to tackle was to tell a man that i like how i truly felt about him..about us and me..Unlike my previous attachment, i’m usually guarded at the beginning of a new form relationship. This time i decided i want to do without the games and bullshit and just be completely honest and open and let all the card fall as it may. It was scary and i stand to lose the guy but i thought to myself, better him than me. I had no expectation or hope. I sent the text ( yes i did it via text 😛 yes i should have done it face to face..let’s tackle one fear at a time lols ) and slept.
I woke up the next day to a long message from him and that he wanted to try and he felt the same way i felt. I was elated but the joy was short lived. A week after our “confession” he just went MIA. The old me would’ve message, call and seek for explanation but the new me couldn’t be bothered. If he wanted to be with me, he would make the effort to make it work. If he had some issue on the side he could have said something to manage my expectations but alas he didn’t.
The take out from the whole experience, even though the guy turned out to be a douche in the end…people promise things because they just get caught up in the moment. Possibly at the time they meant it because u caught them off-guard so they go on panic mode and they don’t want to lose you just yet and not on your terms. Everyone has the best intentions. Not everyone goes in with a conscious thought of wanting to hurt the other person. Unless they’re just insane. Everybody just trying to do the best they can. As was i..All you can do is just do the best you can and treat the other person with the best respect, care and love that you can…
A little boy asked his mother, “Why are you crying?” “Because I’m a woman,” she told him. “I don’t understand,” he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, “And you never will.” Later the little boy asked his father, “Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?” “All women cry for no reason,” was all his dad could say. The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry. Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, “God, why do women cry so easily?” God said, “When I made the woman she had to be special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort. I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children. I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining. I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly. I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart. I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly. And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.” “You see my son,” said God, “the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart – the place where love resides.”
Come July, it would come to a full circle to when the ex and i hooked up. How time just flies. Looking back i wonder what made me like him? Did he make my tummy flutter? did it make it flip. I guess its a momentous thing for a girl to have butterflies and flippy movement in their tummy when it comes to men they like. Personally, i don’t go through this fluttering “phase” often so when i get one, i’d have those “wait a minute, is that for real” moments.
To an extent at the beginning the ex and i had that, the floating sensation. The only time i remember most was when we caught Broken Social Scene together in Singapore. Couldn’t get our hands off one another. Constantly hugging..kissing making googly eyes. I think the dude who sat behind us could have barfed looking at our lovey-dovey-ness. I’d barf or kick me for being so gooey in public but as a whole..looking at the relationship in a bigger perspective, he didn’t make me flip.
I think i should have known from the first kiss. It was better in my head. Anyway, ever since then i’ve been filtering the guys i date by their kisses. how passionate they are. And of all the frogs i kissed, only one made my insides go whoptidooooo..maybe because he’s super experience being that he’s 11 years ahead of me. The way he worked his lips..his hands..god his hands ..SUPER SEXY! everything about him is just hot. He just knew how to work it..work me. He took control and just staked claim. I was then truly in the arms of a man.
He’s everything i’d ask in a man except for his sudden Mr Hyde tendencies and his judgement of women. He kept on lugging me into the same group of all the women that hurt him in the past. how we’re all the same…it’s just annoying..too broken..and i don’t think i’d have the energy to want to endure that. It’s not something anyone can fix. It’s just disappointing how it all turned out. I actually thought he’d be the normal ones. Bummer that he makes me flip but we can’t be together..*shrugs* back to the trenches again
Little Rascal (Sayang=Love)
Me + You
Wonderful video. made my day