Category Archives: honesty

Discovering honesty

 With Mr Jaar

It’s been awhile since i’ve written a post here. The last time i was here, i was going through a lot of pain. So much so i couldn’t even articulate how i felt without sounding like a broken record. A year has passed and i think i’ve grown since. A lot has happened. Most of it good. I think i found a lot of myself, especially lately.

This year’s discovery is about being honest to myself more. With what i want, need and like. And to let go of things and people who are toxic and destructive in a calm and peaceful way. I’ve learn to not take things personally and to tell myself more that when people are cruel to you when you did absolutely nothing wrong, its not you.It’s them.

One of the other biggest hurdle that i manage to tackle was to tell a man that i like how i truly felt about him..about us and me..Unlike my previous attachment, i’m usually guarded at the beginning of a new form relationship. This time i decided i want to do without the games and bullshit and just be completely honest and open and let all the card fall as it may. It was scary and i stand to lose the guy but i thought to myself, better him than me. I had no expectation or hope. I sent the text ( yes i did it via text 😛 yes i should have done it face to face..let’s tackle one fear at a time lols ) and slept.

I woke up the next day to a long message from him and that he wanted to try and he felt the same way i felt. I was elated but the joy was short lived. A week after our “confession” he just went MIA. The old me would’ve message, call and seek for explanation but the new me couldn’t be bothered. If he wanted to be with me, he would make the effort to make it work. If he had some issue on the side he could have said something to manage my expectations but alas he didn’t.

The take out from the whole experience, even though the guy turned out to be a douche in the end…people promise things because they just get caught up in the moment. Possibly at the time they meant it because u caught them off-guard so they go on panic mode and they don’t want to lose you just yet and not on your terms. Everyone has the best intentions. Not everyone goes in with a conscious thought of wanting to hurt the other person. Unless they’re just insane. Everybody just trying to do the best they can. As was i..All you can do is just do the best you can and treat the other person with the best respect, care and love that you can…

I don’t know..

And my writer partner said to me…”face it..face your fear…listen to all the songs till u feel nothing. look back at photos what was once a happy memory..maybe..maybe by chance you can be free” Earlier today..at dinner..I was told time..time would heal it all..the wound would close up..an eventually i will feel nothing..

Some part of me..doesn’t want to let go..maybe i’m sadistic..maybe i like to be reminded of the betrayal..maybe i’m just still in shock..there’s a lot maybe in my head..to narrow down what is what..i don’t know..i’m all over the place.

I look at pictures of us..of him..of our time together..how happy we were at that short period of time. I still can’t get over him bitching about me to our friend. I don’t understand his anger towards me even after a year…i still don’t get it. I some time wonder how he would justify his actions to me one day if say i confronted him..would it soothe me?

i ask myself that constantly.

Would it give me closure knowing the reason why he said what he said to our friend?

The worse bit of it all..even after all the ordeal he put me through..i look at those picture..& all i can think about is how much i miss being next to him…talking to him..banter with him..but i guess…having those feeling reappear after awhile..and being able to put it down and typing it out…honestly..

i guess its a form of forgiveness..of some sort..i don’t know…one day at a time..

Man who told everything

They say there’s always a first time for everything. No matter how cautious you are, you can’t never be 100% secure or hurt proof when it comes to matters of the heart. I’ve always been an observant person. And if i like a guy, i’d study him intently. See what he’s all about. How he thinks. How is he like at his worst? Does he have a temper? sense of humour? and the list goes on and on.

Sometimes, it doesn’t take a lot..sometimes a good conversation and a bond over music, sells it all. And that’s how it went with my recent ex.Through out our short lived relationship, we had ups and down like any other relationship but i’d like to think we had more ups than the latter. i thought i knew him. i thought we parted amicably. I thought we had said what needed to be said to one another in regards to the demised of our relationship. I genuinely thought deep down we could salvage something and some how try to move on after the dust settled.After the wounds had healed on my part…but yah, life doesn’t work that way. Relationship is a two way road. I had my side.He had his.

To my disappointment, he painted an image that would deepen the cut and humiliation on my side even more than his. As if  the first humiliation from being dumped wasn’t enough. I tried to understand as to why i was subjected to such treatment. Why did he have to belittle our relationship together after we broke up? Why did he belittled me? What did i ever do to deserve such hateful treatment? Why waste my time with empty promises? Did he think i went around town telling on him? What would i gain? I’d might as well shoot myself in the foot.

I’m tired of being accused of something i didn’t do. I’ve been wanting to say this aloud for awhile but i wasn’t ready. I didn’t have the strength.i didn’t want to hurt anybody but what about my hurt. Having to know everything and asked to keep silent and continue on broken. i’m tired of it.Whether he reads this or not doesn’t matter. Whether he thinks i’m being defensive or childish, doesn’t matter. I just want it out. Call me a drama queen or what ever, one thing you got right…I don’t know you..and i said it to you the week before you headed back for christmas..the guy i fell for and knew the 5 1/2 months we were together was a mirage. I respected you throughout our relationship and even after, why couldn’t you extended the same courtesy but then again…you never really respected me..the jokes on me..

Letter to you

Can’t sleep. Had a dream of you and me talking to each other. It seemed like we were there for awhile. You had a smile on your face.You always smile when i tease you. You blush constantly when ever you’re put on a spot. I don’t remember the dream exactly..but i remember looking into your eyes..listening to you intently. Your hands,constantly moving.Trying to shape the words you want to stress. Can’t help but smile at you. Stressing about something. Frowning at me. Possibly cause i’m not taking you seriously. Smiling at you constantly when you’re trying to be serious.

I like seeing you when you’re all serious..borderline sulking..I line out the shape of your mouth with my eyes..Wondering how would it be like to kiss you..to feel your soft gentle lips close to mine. Someone once told me that you’d know the secrets of ones soul by kissing them.It can’t be by any kiss..it has to be with intent..patience…hunger..and passion.

I guess time will tell when that happens. When ever i’m around u, i constantly feel the connection. Maybe it’s just me. Wallowing in my crush-dom. I’m trying to not let it get to me but its hard. I can’t not not think of you. Haven’t seen you for almost a week now. To be honest..i miss you..i wonder how you are..do you miss me?

Image by kbtucker-deviantart.com

What comes to mind…

  • – It’s fine to be negative, cynical, critical and sarcastic sometimes…
  • -When someone tells you they know what you’re about…in actual fact THEY DON’T!
  • -I’m not afraid of commitment..I just haven’t found that one person i could feel at ease with.
  • -I hate explaining myself..lately i’ve been doing a lot of that…and its tiring..
  • -Avoid being in a catch 22 situation.
  • -If they delete…just proceed…
  • -I’m just like any other girl.I feel just as much as the next girl when it comes to relationship. I got better over the years by learning from my mistakes.
  • – Lately, doing good deeds has just given me loads of grieve
  • -I hate being corrected in front of everyone..If you are a true friend, do it one on one…
  • -I avoid confrontation but that doesn’t mean i can’t handle one.
  • – Don’t tell me to relax/chill
  • -My life is not anything like yours. It’s not the same..similar in anyway..stop comparing..
  • -I love to swim. I’d go to the very end..the deepest end..and just swim to the bottom..just to feel that little quiet..where everything is calm.
  • -Long drives are always good..If you have a destination to go to..drive alone (make sure you have a gps device before you do this) It’ll give some lone time. To think about things..what truly matters..
  • -When you sing, doesn’t matter if you’re good or bad…sing till you can feel it to depth of your soul..
  • -I’m looking for god..in everything..and everywhere..
  • – I fear death..I wonder sometimes..what would become of me when i die..
  • -I wanna be great..
  • -You shouldn’t push everything in your life..try to experience it..breathe it ..touch it…feel it
  • -Stop and listen..to heal..is to focus on others than yourself..
  • -Stop complaining about things that’s not worth complaining..petty stuff..
  • -Be a better person…strive everyday..
  • Don’t question how i practice my faith..in the end, what ever i do would not effect your chances of going to heaven. Watch your own boat.