Category Archives: stupid

Discovering honesty

 With Mr Jaar

It’s been awhile since i’ve written a post here. The last time i was here, i was going through a lot of pain. So much so i couldn’t even articulate how i felt without sounding like a broken record. A year has passed and i think i’ve grown since. A lot has happened. Most of it good. I think i found a lot of myself, especially lately.

This year’s discovery is about being honest to myself more. With what i want, need and like. And to let go of things and people who are toxic and destructive in a calm and peaceful way. I’ve learn to not take things personally and to tell myself more that when people are cruel to you when you did absolutely nothing wrong, its not you.It’s them.

One of the other biggest hurdle that i manage to tackle was to tell a man that i like how i truly felt about him..about us and me..Unlike my previous attachment, i’m usually guarded at the beginning of a new form relationship. This time i decided i want to do without the games and bullshit and just be completely honest and open and let all the card fall as it may. It was scary and i stand to lose the guy but i thought to myself, better him than me. I had no expectation or hope. I sent the text ( yes i did it via text 😛 yes i should have done it face to face..let’s tackle one fear at a time lols ) and slept.

I woke up the next day to a long message from him and that he wanted to try and he felt the same way i felt. I was elated but the joy was short lived. A week after our “confession” he just went MIA. The old me would’ve message, call and seek for explanation but the new me couldn’t be bothered. If he wanted to be with me, he would make the effort to make it work. If he had some issue on the side he could have said something to manage my expectations but alas he didn’t.

The take out from the whole experience, even though the guy turned out to be a douche in the end…people promise things because they just get caught up in the moment. Possibly at the time they meant it because u caught them off-guard so they go on panic mode and they don’t want to lose you just yet and not on your terms. Everyone has the best intentions. Not everyone goes in with a conscious thought of wanting to hurt the other person. Unless they’re just insane. Everybody just trying to do the best they can. As was i..All you can do is just do the best you can and treat the other person with the best respect, care and love that you can…

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Just like the movies….

You know those stories we watch on the telly or at the movies that tell us of a mediocre man who falls for a rich and beautiful girl. Who in the end, ends up with someone equally match in looks and wealth. He tries his best to please her within his means but it’ll never be enough. She’ll never see him for what he’s worth.

I never thought I’d ever be in his situation, the mediocre man.Today I felt how it was like to be in his shoes and i finally get it all. You see for as long as I can remember, I’ve had this feeling for this one person. About a year back, we made it transparent but decided to basically not pursue it. Well he did, i didn’t. I wanted to see where things might’ve lead us. Basically i had my heart on the platter he just smashed it to pieces.

I forgave him over time. Thinking that we’ve been friends close to 5 years why fuck up a completely good friendship. Today i learned that I don’t even have that. I was delusional all this while.Here i was trying to make the grand gesture, so the dude wouldn’t miss Jamiroquai by surprising him with a ticket. Yah it wasn’t worth much but in the end it’ll still get u in to the concert area and that was what matters to me. I didn’t want him to feel left out just because he was broke and filled with pride to accept a ticket purchased by me. So i lied i said i got it for free from a friend. When in actual fact i bought it so he wouldn’t miss his favourite band.

Ended up, he bailed on me for a free Grand Stand ticket. Funny thing was he never once mentioned that he was getting tickets else where. The other thing was i booked him way before everything because i wanted to surprise him. When i finally told him i actually bought the tickets, instead of feeling guilty, he instead suggested i sell it off to his brother. I was just in shocked. The plan was getting the same tickets and going together (coz u had to pay some special pass to park in sepang) and so happen his friend had those pass. I was literally counting on him for a ride there. So now all gutted and left high and dry, I was super close to not going because of my supposed dear “friend”. After venting out my pain, I decided to not let what happen get to me. Fuck it! He’s not worth it. I can finally say it.His actions says it all.

That’s why I can’t be mad at him coz in the end truthfully I was stupid to believe and hope he’d see it..he’d see me but yah as his actions states I mean absolutely jack shit to him. I know if he reads this he’d say ” I never asked you to buy the tickets” and its true he never did. I just wanted him to know that for him I’d do a lot to make him happy and feel special. I’d even sacrifice an actual good free seat to be where he’d be coz i didn’t want him to be alone. In the end, thinking about others doesn’t get u any where…u’d just get hurt in the process..