There’s always a song in your life that’ll have a significant meaning. Be it a good or bad song it will almost always bring you back to some old memory in the past. Sometimes with an old feelings attached. Recently, a song from the past came back. This particular song, meant the world to me. It said things that I would dream of saying to this one person but i never had the guts.
Finally after so many years, it was out and he knew the meaning of it all. I felt a great relief. To certain extent, he too shared some feelings as i did before in the past. The sad thing was, I couldn’t feel what i wanted to feel. I couldn’t be in the moment, that beautiful moment that I’ve wished to be in so many moons *smile*
I wished circumstances were different. That i was ok and ready to receive whatever emotions but I can’t. Recent wounds have yet to heal. I feel unfair to persue something which my heart has not warrant for or maybe i was just tired. Tired of constantly waiting
and finding out in the end, it was too late. What feelings i had before in the past, was just burried too deep and I guess for now it wants to remain asleep…
Whenever I get into a relationship with a guy, I find out that I’m much more romantic than they are. I go through loads of trouble to show them how i feel. Be it from expressing it verbally or by going through painstaking hell, picking the ultimate song that’ll explain how I feel about them and our relationship. But all these acts of care, romance and love almost always falls on hard wall.I can only name few exs that’ll reciprocate similar actions and feelings but of recent, I’ve yet to feel romanced. Maybe my expectations are high. Maybe I’m an ultra sensitive. I just find it odd for a person to not be honest about how they feel. Why hide the love you have for someone. Why be afraid of someone you care about? I guess there are reason as to why people keep their feelings to themselves. I myself learned the hard way. Never let out your all for someone who almost never work for your attention or love. Someone dear to me once said, ” If you hand them the reward from the beginning instead of dangling it before their eyes, they will never know the value of you” My overly romantic gestures and feelings caused me my dignity and trust.
To tell you the truth,I have no one to blame but myself. I have no one to be upset with but myself. In the end, it was me who chose to believe. I didn’t come out of this at total lost. I learned something. I learn that man or woman to a certain extend would repeat the vicious cycle. What I meant by that is, after a breakup for some reason we morph into our past exs.We become more sceptical of future gf / bf. We doubt their credibility even more. My recent ex, turned into his ex fiance. She was quiet to a point that she doesn’t say how she feels even when she’s hurt. She didn’t bother to earn his affections because she knew he would, so with me he did the same. He was the receiver and i was the giver. That’s how it went throughout the relationship. He turned into her because he was hurt by her. He subconsciously became her, the person he hated most and in the end he was her.
I can’t say I feel sorry for him, I think I’ve done that throughout our relationship. The choices that we make are our own. He made his. By his judgement and inconsiderate action cost him …me..my trust..my friendship above all.