Its like Dave Grohl said “Tonight Im tangled in my blanket of clouds ,Dreaming aloud,Things just wont do without you, matter of fact” I think I’ve fallen for someone. I know who he is but for now he’ll remain anonymous. At first, I thought i was in love with a fictional version of him but after much much thought… I now know that its not true. I’ve always been in love with him. The him that gets me. The him that makes me laugh. The him that cared about what i thought, my passion. The him that wants and needs my attention (before everything when down the shit hole) The him that has groovy taste in clothes and shoes. The him that dances to jazz and loves Sinatra. The him that is funny and intelligent.
Sadly, what ever i’ve realised…what ever i feel for him doesn’t effect him. Probably at one point it did but now..I’ve barely made a dent. I want to let him go..even how i feel for him..but as big Dave said above, everything wouldn’t be right. He’s been there through out everything with me. He knows me in and out. I confided in him. Completely broke down in front of him. It just wouldn’t be right but I can’t just sit still and pretend that i feel absolutely nothing for him. Pretend to be ok when i see him. I hate that I can’t be close to him and that I can’t hold his hand or hug him. Just tears me apart inside. So now, I’ve taken drastic measures. I made my own closure. I told him, well text him that I’m letting him go. I cant pretend..I just can’t.
Some of you might disagree with my actions but I can’t move anymore. I’ve made it simple. I’ve said what needs to be said to him.All my cards has been called..and it’s all laying on the table. I’ve completely and emotionally humiliated myself but i’m not upset that i did all that because if i didn’t then i wouldn’t know that I’m Ok and that i’m over Kama and that in actual fact he wasn’t the one i want most..it was another..I just realised it all too late..
This is for you.. and you know who you are….To all the nights we hung out..the talks..driving around confiding to each other about anything and everything, the late phone calls, the night we fell asleep next to each other, the music we shared..Thank you for it all..and I wish for your happiness…I’m so sorry that i’m not strong enough to take this..