It’s been awhile since i’ve written a post here. The last time i was here, i was going through a lot of pain. So much so i couldn’t even articulate how i felt without sounding like a broken record. A year has passed and i think i’ve grown since. A lot has happened. Most of it good. I think i found a lot of myself, especially lately.
This year’s discovery is about being honest to myself more. With what i want, need and like. And to let go of things and people who are toxic and destructive in a calm and peaceful way. I’ve learn to not take things personally and to tell myself more that when people are cruel to you when you did absolutely nothing wrong, its not you.It’s them.
One of the other biggest hurdle that i manage to tackle was to tell a man that i like how i truly felt about him..about us and me..Unlike my previous attachment, i’m usually guarded at the beginning of a new form relationship. This time i decided i want to do without the games and bullshit and just be completely honest and open and let all the card fall as it may. It was scary and i stand to lose the guy but i thought to myself, better him than me. I had no expectation or hope. I sent the text ( yes i did it via text :P yes i should have done it face to face..let’s tackle one fear at a time lols ) and slept.
I woke up the next day to a long message from him and that he wanted to try and he felt the same way i felt. I was elated but the joy was short lived. A week after our “confession” he just went MIA. The old me would’ve message, call and seek for explanation but the new me couldn’t be bothered. If he wanted to be with me, he would make the effort to make it work. If he had some issue on the side he could have said something to manage my expectations but alas he didn’t.
The take out from the whole experience, even though the guy turned out to be a douche in the end…people promise things because they just get caught up in the moment. Possibly at the time they meant it because u caught them off-guard so they go on panic mode and they don’t want to lose you just yet and not on your terms. Everyone has the best intentions. Not everyone goes in with a conscious thought of wanting to hurt the other person. Unless they’re just insane. Everybody just trying to do the best they can. As was i..All you can do is just do the best you can and treat the other person with the best respect, care and love that you can…
There are times when you’d want to utter these words, you realize the person is not the right one..so you let them go
Should have know u bring me hard ache. almost lover always do.
This is how i feel about you..even though i never say it out loud..but i hope you can see it through my eyes..i adore you..
And my writer partner said to me…”face it..face your fear…listen to all the songs till u feel nothing. look back at photos what was once a happy memory..maybe..maybe by chance you can be free” Earlier today..at dinner..I was told time..time would heal it all..the wound would close up..an eventually i will feel nothing..
Some part of me..doesn’t want to let go..maybe i’m sadistic..maybe i like to be reminded of the betrayal..maybe i’m just still in shock..there’s a lot maybe in my head..to narrow down what is what..i don’t know..i’m all over the place.
I look at pictures of us..of him..of our time together..how happy we were at that short period of time. I still can’t get over him bitching about me to our friend. I don’t understand his anger towards me even after a year…i still don’t get it. I some time wonder how he would justify his actions to me one day if say i confronted him..would it soothe me?
i ask myself that constantly.
Would it give me closure knowing the reason why he said what he said to our friend?
The worse bit of it all..even after all the ordeal he put me through..i look at those picture..& all i can think about is how much i miss being next to him…talking to him..banter with him..but i guess…having those feeling reappear after awhile..and being able to put it down and typing it out…honestly..
i guess its a form of forgiveness..of some sort..i don’t know…one day at a time..
A little boy asked his mother, “Why are you crying?” “Because I’m a woman,” she told him. “I don’t understand,” he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, “And you never will.” Later the little boy asked his father, “Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?” “All women cry for no reason,” was all his dad could say. The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry. Finally he put in a call to God. When God got on the phone, he asked, “God, why do women cry so easily?” God said, “When I made the woman she had to be special. I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort. I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children. I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining. I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly. I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart. I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly. And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed.” “You see my son,” said God, “the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair. The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart – the place where love resides.”